27th
The Road to Beijing 2008, Now With More Stereotypes! Part I: Badminton
by Orel Miraculous
Say what you want about More Beer. We make stuff up. Most of what we write is neither funny nor informative. We go months without posting anything. We are read by absolutely no one in the world.
The list of complaints against us is endless. But what you can’t say is that we don’t give the people what they want! And what do they want? Olympic previews! (Note: You absolutely can say that we don’t give the people what they want and many of the reasons for this were enumerated in the first paragraph. But I wanted to begin this post with an emphatic literary flourish and I’m such an uncreative and downright awful writer that all I could come up with was “you can’t say we don’t give the people what they want.” Why do I feel the need to do this? Because introductions are hard. Real hard. And pointless. You know what the post is about just by looking at the title, so why do we need some elaborate lead into it? We don’t, so consider this introduction over and enjoy Part 1 of our series (Note: Seriously, enjoy it. This very well could be the only post we write this summer so soak it in.))
Part 1: Badminton
Who’s Playing?
Don’t know, I couldn’t find anything online about it.
Who’s Going to Win?
China
Why is (See Answer Above) Going to Win?
You know that kid in school who sucked at baseball and basketball so he took up some bullshit sport like crew and then worked real hard at it and never shut up about how good he was at crew even though no one cared because no one even knew what it was? That’s China. They’re not good enough to succeed at real sports (Note: Yay Yao Ming! You’re awesome!) so they inflate their self-esteem by roiding up and dominating sports like badminton.
It sucks but until Al-Qaeda fields a team, China is all we got for a big bad rival country that hates our system of government. At least when the Soviet Union was around they had the decency to get good a sport that 7 or 8 states in New England and the upper midwest cared about.
Best Beer to Drink While Watching:
O’Douls. Badminton isn’t a real sport, so don’t bother drinking a real beer.
How to Heckle Countries that Aren’t America:
Make fun of the Chinese badminton team by reminding them of the time that Forest Gump went over there and kicked their ass. Come up with a chant that highlights the sad fact that a mentally retarded, wounded war vet got good enough to defeat them on their own turf despite having played for only a few months and having nothing but a sideways ping pong table to practice with. Rhetorically ask how one even practices badminton on a ping pong table before coming up with the answer to your own stupid question: Forest Gump was playing ping pong, not badminton. Shrug off your mistake by pointing out that you shouldn’t know the difference between ping pong and badminton anyway because badminton isn’t even a real sport. Throw your bottle of O’Douls at the referee.
