More Beer

More Beer Live Blog Featuring a Bunch of 12 Year Olds Who Are Going to be Real Pricks When They Go Back to School This Year

by Orel Miraculous

Its been over 2 months since our last post here at More Beer which means its time for 2 or 3 more posts before we spend the next 2 months doing nothing again.  And so the cycle of life continues.

Anyway what better way to break our hibernation than with a live blog?  Not not just a regular live blog, a Little League World Series Live Blog?  Not just a Little League World Series Live Blog, but a Little League World Series New England Regional Round Robin Live Blog?  And to top it all off, who is representing Massachusetts in today’s game against Shelton, CT?  That’s right Parkway National Little League of West Roxbury, MA!

For those of you who don’t know, West Roxbury is the town that I kind of live in and Parkway National Little League is the organization that my Dad kind of coaches in.  Now I didn’t grow up in West Roxbury and my Dad only coached the 10 year olds so there’s really no inside information that we can add to this experience.  Nevertheless here we are on the couch, just a father and his adult son enjoying some Little League baseball.  Let’s get it on!

Top 1

Well they’ve only played one half of one inning but I already know that Shelton, CT is gonna cruise in this one.  I’m even going to call them one of the favorites to win the whole thing in Williamsport.  Its bold but I’m confident in my statement after hearing Lou Merloni say that CT’s pitcher Eddie Kochis, who just struck out 2 of the first 3, is only their third-best pitcher.  Kochis is hitting 68 on the gun and throwing curveballs for strikes.  If you’ve got 2 pitchers who are better than this kid then you know you’re in good shape.

Botom 1

Its worth noting that in 2002 the Red Sox bucked local pressure and let go of fan-favorite Lou Merloni. Then this off-season they took a risk and replaced the popular sideline reporter Tina Cervasio with the younger, more athletic Heidi Watney.  Today Merloni and Cervasio make up 2/3 of the broadcast team for a Little League regional round robin game that doesn’t even matter because both teams have already advanced to the semi-finals.  Ladies and gentlemen, the smartest front office in baseball does it again.

Top 2nd

You ever see one of those documentaries about the Brooklyn Dodgers? They always feature an old guy who says that on a summer afternoon you could walk down Flatbush Avenue without missing a pitch because every stoop had the game on the radio.  Well I just walked down Centre Street here in West Roxbury and all I saw was a woman walking three dogs, some ne’er-do-well street kids throwing sticks at a city bus, and some guy shout across to his friends accross the street that he wanted the “super beef”.  Its safe to say that the Parkway National All-Stars are no Brooklyn Dodgers, the woman walking the three dogs couldn’t even tell me who was pitching tonight.

Eddie “Cy Young” Kochis strikes out the side.

Bot 2nd

Hey! The  the last name of West Roxbury’s second baseman is Rodriguez! Let’s hear it for our first non-white kid sighting of the tourney!  Congratulations Dave Rodriguez of West Roxbury, MA which instantly becomes the favorite team of everyone who’s sick of rich kids named Taylor and McKenzie turning double plays in Williamsport.

Top 3rd

A kid wearing sunglasses at night breaks up the no-hitter.  I’m trying to think of a major leaguer who always wears sunglasses a la David Duval and all I can think of is Eric Gagne.  Can I really call a 12 year old Eric Gange?  That just doesn’t seem right.

Dave Rodriguez grounds into a fielders choice and thus plays up the latin infielder no-hit, all-glove stereotype.  Way to go Rodriguez, Tommy Smith you are not. (Note:  in order for this joke to work, please pretend this is 1981 when the only Latin players in MLB were crappy shortstops and not, you know, the best players at every position in the game).

The most dangerous offensive weapon in Little League, the passed ball, puts 2 guys in scoring position for Massachusetts but Eddie “Walter “Big Train” Johnson” Kochis records his 6th K to end the threat.

Bot 3

Giving extra bases to Connecticut is like saying “No” to Kobe.  Its a bad idea. Its almost as bad an idea as thinking that Kobe rape jokes have a place in a Little League running diary.  To be clear, they do not, so let’s just move on and pretend that never happened.

“God he looks just like his younger brother Cameron… and his older brother Matt… and his father Tom”.  Guess who said that, Lou Merloni or my dad?

Pitching change for Massachusetts and its about time, West Roxbury’s coach is gonna killed for this on WEEI tomorrow.

6-0.  In the words of every kid on West Roxbury, “this games ovah”

Top 4th

Eddie “Rick Helling in 1998” Kochis mows em down 1-2-3 again.  Scott Boras is in the stands telling his parents that the Dodgers have an offer on the table if they can figure out how to break his contract with Shelton.  Come on team Boras and Kochis, put your heads together!

Botom 4th

Sorry, was busy eating a stuffed quahog for most of the inning.  Connecticut scored some runs.

Top 5th

Holy crap! The kid who wears the sunglasses is named Hector Diaz! This means that burried amongst the Murphys and Houlihans, West Roxbury has not one but 2 Latino starting players!  Come on Massachusetts! America’s Team!

Unfortunately Diaz promptly strikes out.  He becomes Eddie “Randy Johnson against John Kruk” Kochis’s 7th strikeout victim in a row.

Bot 5th

Kid whose little brother my Dad knows makes a fine play at third base.

Top 6th

The scoreboard operator in Bristol started playing “Enter Sandman” in anticipation of Shelton bringing in Eddie “Mariano Rivera and/or Billy Wagner” Kochis to close out the game.  Instead Shelton brings in some kid named Tyler.  Could this come back to bite them?

…Nope.  Inning over, game over, Shelton wins. 

2, 4, 6, 8 who do we appreciate? Live Blog! Live Blog! Yaaaaaaay Live Blog!

The Road to Beijing 2008, Now With More Stereotypes! Part II: Swimming

by Dick Bitner

Say what you want about More Beer. We make stuff up. Most of what we write is neither funny nor informative. We go months without posting anything. We are read by absolutely no one in the world. The list of complaints against us is endless. But what you can’t say is that we don’t give the people what they want! And what do they want? Olympic previews! (Note: You absolutely can say that we don’t give the people what they want and many of the reasons for this were enumerated in the first paragraph. But I wanted to begin this post with an emphatic literary flourish and I’m such an uncreative and downright awful writer that all I could come up with was “you can’t say we don’t give the people what they want.” Why do I feel the need to do this? Because introductions are hard. Real hard. And pointless. You know what the post is about just by looking at the title, so why do we need some elaborate lead into it? We don’t, so consider this introduction over and enjoy Part 2 of our series (Note: Seriously, enjoy it. This very well could be the only post we write this summer so soak it in.))

Part 2: Swimming

Who’s Playing? Don’t know, I couldn’t find anything online about it.

Who’s Going to Win? That Australian guy. Wait, did he retire? If he didn’t, then I choose him. Also, if the IOC has allowed the use of animals in this sport, the United States should use a shark on their swim team. A hungry shark.

Best Beer to Drink While Watching: Natural Light. Probably about the same consistency as chlorinated pool water.

How to Heckle Countries that Aren’t America: Landlocked countries: this is obvious. Sea faring nations: Threaten to Exxon Valdez their shit.

The Road to Beijing 2008, Now With More Stereotypes! Part I: Badminton

by Orel Miraculous

Say what you want about More Beer.  We make stuff up.  Most of what we write is neither funny nor informative.  We go months without posting anything.  We are read by absolutely no one in the world.

The list of complaints against us is endless.  But what you can’t say is that we don’t give the people what they want! And what do they want? Olympic previews! (Note:  You absolutely can say that we don’t give the people what they want and many of the reasons for this were enumerated in the first paragraph.  But I wanted to begin this post with an emphatic literary flourish and I’m such an uncreative and downright awful writer that all I could come up with was “you can’t say we don’t give the people what they want.”  Why do I feel the need to do this? Because introductions are hard.  Real hard.  And pointless.  You know what the post is about just by looking at the title, so why do we need some elaborate lead into it?  We don’t, so consider this introduction over and enjoy Part 1 of our series (Note:  Seriously, enjoy it.  This very well could be the only post we write this summer so soak it in.))

Part 1:  Badminton

Who’s Playing?

Don’t know, I couldn’t find anything online about it.

Who’s Going to Win?

China

Why is (See Answer Above) Going to Win?

You know that kid in school who sucked at baseball and basketball so he took up some bullshit sport like crew and then worked real hard at it and never shut up about how good he was at crew even though no one cared because no one even knew what it was? That’s China.  They’re not good enough to succeed at real sports (Note: Yay Yao Ming! You’re awesome!) so they inflate their self-esteem by roiding up and dominating sports like badminton.

It sucks but until Al-Qaeda fields a team, China is all we got for a big bad rival country that hates our system of government.  At least when the Soviet Union was around they had the decency to get good a sport that 7 or 8 states in New England and the upper midwest cared about.

Best Beer to Drink While Watching:

O’Douls. Badminton isn’t a real sport, so don’t bother drinking a real beer.

How to Heckle Countries that Aren’t America:

Make fun of the Chinese badminton team by reminding them of the time that Forest Gump went over there and kicked their ass. Come up with a chant that highlights the sad fact that a mentally retarded, wounded war vet got good enough to defeat them on their own turf despite having played for only a few months and having nothing but a sideways ping pong table to practice with. Rhetorically ask how one even practices badminton on a ping pong table before coming up with the answer to your own stupid question:  Forest Gump was playing ping pong, not badminton.  Shrug off your mistake by pointing out that you shouldn’t know the difference between ping pong and badminton anyway because badminton isn’t even a real sport.  Throw your bottle of O’Douls at the referee.

Corey Booker To Cede Newark to European Soccer Club

Corey Booker, the young, charismatic mayor of Newark, NJ seen playing the Foreigns game, has entered into agreement with European Mega-Club, FC Barcelona that has community activists up in arms.  Under the agreement, the entire acreage of New Jersey’s largest city will be made into the largest sports stadium in the world.  This North American stadium will host 1/6th of the club’s games and will remain vacant for the rest of the year.  In a nearly unnoticed footnote to the deal, the residents of Newark will be forced to work for the team with little to no compensation provided.

Yellow Dog Democrat (n.)

I particularly enjoy this term.  Not because I’m beholden to the Democrats or that I would “rather vote for a yellow dog than a Republican” (as the saying goes), but more just because I think yellow dogs make good candidates for public office.

Three Storylines to Follow During the 2008 Baseball Season

1.  Changing of Pregame Anthems

“Landslide” by Stevie Nicks usurps the national anthem at the outset of all games.  Except in Canada, where “Georgia On My Mind” by Ray Charles rings out before first pitch.

2.  Halftime

That’s right.  Halftime.

3.  Inevitable Astros vs. Orioles World Series

Game 6 starters: Brandon Backe vs. Jeremey Guthrie.   Nick Markakis doubles off the left field wall to drive in Aubrey Huff.  Game over.  Orioles win!  Orioles win!

Upgrades Needed for My Next iPod

 1.  See above.  (I don’t know what this means)

 2.  Automatically sense what sort of music I want to listen to.  When I get out of work I don’t want to have to take the time to switch over to my “Waiting To Exhale” “Relaxing” mix.  I just want some Toni Braxton Bonnie Raitt Paul Simon to start playing, without prompting.

 3.  Track the location and current song of my significant other.  Like if I see that she is in the West Village and listening to “Walking on Broken Glass” by Annie Lennox, I can conclude, “sympathizing”.  But if I ever see her in the Meatpacking district playing “Scotty Doesn’t Know”, that’s when I start sweating.

 4.a.  Play the panda sneezing video on loop.

4.b.  Play the German midget finding things funny on loop. 

5.  Give me real time stats on pounds of panda-rubber sold and tracking numbers from UPS. 

Tell Me What To Do When Taking Pictures

by Orel Miraculous

I’m jealous of a lot of different kinds of people. In most cases, I’m jealous of people who have become things I know I will never be (professional athlete, billionaire, productive member of society). But in some cases, I’m jealous of people for things that are completely attainable. Today we will explore one such person: The Guy Who Has a Signiture Pose And Uses It In Every Picture He Takes.

Every time I see one of these guys I can’t help but think that I’d be a more successful person If I had a go-to pose. Anyone who has taken a marketing class knows about the concept of “branding” and what it means to the success of a company; well it seems to me that signiture poses work the same way. If you have a great pose then people will always be coming back for more because they know you’re proven, effective, and reliable.

So with that in mind, I’m embarking on a mission to find a signiture pose that works for me. To begin, let us examine some of the classics.

The Peace Sign:

Perhaps the most popular pose out there today. There are three major issues with this pose that all but eliminate it from contention however:

1. Is the peace sign cool anymore?

2. Can I pull this off without the accompanying gold chain?

3. Could white people ever really get away with it in the first place?

Note: For the purposes of this discussion only the cooler, sideways peace sign will be considered. Obviously the upright peace sign was never a viable option.

The Finger Gun:

Simple, straight-forward, timeless. Theres no question about it, the Finger Gun says “I mean business”.

Bonus points for its cousins, the ultra cool Sideways Finger Gun and the ever popular Double Barrel:

The Thumbs Up:

What it says: “I’m a fun-loving guy!”

What it doesn’t say: “You should have sex with me, attractive female!”

The Gun Show:

Pros:

Cons: Douchey

V for Victory:

Hey, howd you sneak in here, Upright Peace Sign!?!